June 5 2015

 

This is the date. I am 50. I thought it will be just a number, after such an exciting year of 49. Opening my Feldenkrais practice, getting the official adjunct teaching position with pay at Howard University, then fighting for a solution to stay employed in my rehabilitation position on a part time basis as a neurological occupational therapist but did not succeed and finally left with the option to substitute for a few hours as a contractor.

But it is what it is: 50 is a mighty number. The final gate to the other side. Which lies covered and may be around the corner or far away. But it is in my face. Reflections are in-evitable. The timing of my sabbatical could not be better.

The meaning of sabbatical is to take a rest, refresh and make place for the next to come.

Wikipedia has a definition for it: In recent times, "sabbatical" has come to mean any extended absence in the career of an individual in order to achieve something. In the modern sense, one takes sabbatical typically to fulfill some goal, e.g., writing a book or travelling extensively for research.

I am both far away from having a book written or a research in the classical sense. But I took myself out of my routine to unlearn patterns that have shown to be unproductive and unhealthy for myself and the work. And I already had plenty of opportunity to study these patterns, coming up unwanted but so well learned that it will for sure take more than three months to replace them with something more useful.

Urgency. Impatience. Fear of loss. Eating too much and being stuffed instead of nourished afterwards. Hurrying. Feeling so small that I have to put my ego as a shield in front of me instead of trusting flow. Becoming rigid, uptight and nasty when pushed too far beyond my comfort level. Not being clear in my plans and wishes and then blaming others that they don’t do it right for me… What a research list!

 But I am also experiencing so very wonderful things in these weeks and months of preparation: I can move slowly more easily. See people and things on the side. Less is more. It is in the end the quality that counts not the quantity. If I like to get up early in the morning and take myself for a walk, I do it and breathe in the beauty of creation. Forgiveness. Loving kindness. It does not all has to be according to my will, but in the essential things I stand like a rock. Essence. Focus. Clear in mind and heart. Being tolerant and forgiving to myself when I get sidetracked but bringing myself back. Being in true contact, connecting with the humankind and all the other beings. Learning to feel joy, expressing it and daring to share it. Might be one of the biggest. And trusting the flow, the process. Stay a true learner, curious and humble the same time.

Well, I would be curious what you over 50 have to comment or add to this list!

I for my case truly lucked out on this birthday: my mother baked a great cake that we ate after a nature hike, my sister watched the sunset with me, other family and friends called and send cards and mails, Barbara texted she thinks of me. I got treated to a full moon walk at the Elbe, a pre birthday brunch in a rose garden, a tete-a tete with my sacred tree playing chrotta, just for the two of us and all the spirits of beloved ones who I felt being so close and smiling at me.  

And now I am packing for a week in Italy with my uncle who invited me , and this followed by 5 more days in the Middle East. Stay tuned…